Depressed Again?!?!

If you have never suffered from Depression, this just may enlighten you and help you understand some of the things that people with Depression have to face.  For Many years I have suffered with anxiety and depression.  I guess you could say it was brought on by a health scare several years ago, because before that scare I don't ever recall having such attacks.  Luckily for me, I have found a medication that does keep my symptoms somewhat in control.  That does not mean however, that I am never depressed, it only means that I don't get as bad as I used to.


I started the above blog about a week ago and just didn't feel like typing it anymore so I saved it for a later date.  That seem's to be what I do when I get depressed, I procrastinate!  But today, I actually did get a minimal amount accomplished at home and I did read another blog about Depression, and thought to myself, 'Wow, I am that person this very moment, I have to finish my blog!'   For me, having depression is most definitely life altering.  There are times that I literally can not function!  I do function most of the time, but it is difficult occasionally.   I do not want to get out of bed sometimes, but I do.   I don't want to work many days, but I do.  I don't want to have to attend my kids sporting events often, but I do.   I don't want to socialize, I don't even want to speak sometimes!  There are many things I don't want to do, and I DON'T!  


I do not get depressed over any one particular thing or any combination of things.  It just hits.  And it hits with a ton of bricks!   When it does, I really don't think I have many negative thoughts, in fact, I don't think at all, I just want to sleep!!  FOREVER!!   I do have a tendency to be a little social butterfly, but when my depression hits, forget it!!   I will not go out to dinner with friends, I will not go to parties, weddings, funerals, or even a birth!!   I know, pretty fucking sad!   I won't even go to a store for groceries, I would rather starve!  But I have turned away from all of those things more than I can count in the past fifteen years, all because of depression.   I feel absolutely horrible when I miss certain events, but for whatever reason, I can't make myself do these things.  So you can see how depression can be, and is life altering for some people. I am one of the chosen it seems!! 


Luckily for me, I have an amazing group of girlfriends who understand my depression, and they have literally come to my house and gotten me out of bed to take me to dinner!   My husband has actually had to deal with a lot of my depression issues over the years, but until recently, I do believe he was one who thought "Get over it, you are a wife and a mom, you have things you HAVE to do, so do them."    My husband does empathize more now than he ever has, and is supportive, caring and understanding.  Depression is not something you can "Get Over" but it is something you and those around you can cope with if you have the love, support, and understanding of your family and friends.


I hope if you are reading this and you or someone you know has depression, you now understand that it is not something one can just walk away from. That it is a daily struggle, we have our moments, but we will be OK in the end. We just need a little empathy and patience.

Why is everything so personal to me?

This morning I log into my Midlife Crisis Awakening facebook account and noticed I had received a message from a frantic mom.  Her 14 year old daughter had run away from a group home for troubled children.  I immediately re-posted this beautiful child's picture on my page and asked twenty some thousand people to help.  I am amazed at the outpouring of help we are getting from one simple little post.  I have actually been sitting here staring at my page for most of the day wondering what could have possibly happened that this poor child wanted to run, is she OK? Was it her idea, or was there someone else involved?  I can't seem to stop thinking of this child and her distraught mother sitting at home anticipating that long awaited phone call.  I don't know what I would do if I were in her shoes, but I do know that today, I have been more nervous and anxious than I have been in a very long time.  

I tend to take things personally sometimes, which really can be difficult at times. Case in point!  For what ever reason, I feel that this terrified woman contacted me and I should and will do anything in my power to help.  I have asked other pages to share my post, I have asked fans to share.  I still do not feel as though I am doing enough!   I am almost as nervous as I would be if it were my own child. 

I have always felt the need to help others whenever I can.  I put myself right there, dead center and do what I can. Some people have labeled me as nosy, intrusive, and at times bitchy because of it.  I certainly want everyone in the world to be happy and content and have the things they need and want, but I must learn that I am not necessarily the one that needs to have that responsibility.  Unfortunately, sometimes this is where my family seems to suffer.  Don't get me wrong, I am here for my family, but there are times my family gets the leftover exhausted me.  I do know that has been an issue in my marriage on and off for the past twenty plus years, and I have finally realized it with the help of my husband.  I do know now that my immediate family should be my priority.  I must learn that the worlds problems are not meant to be set on my shoulders.  I need to figure out for myself how much to take on as an outsider and to what extent do I get involved, if at all.  I can not help everyone in every situation, and over the last several days I am finally coming to terms that I do have to let some people handle things on their own, in their own way.  

My husband and my children are my number one priority and always have been in my mind. Not so much by my actions occasionally, but this is part of my 'awakening' and they will from now on.

My view on Midlife Crisis

I am not really sure why I have decided to start this blog, I did just start a web site that I have done nothing with, and quite honestly, not sure I ever will.  I guess I just like to be on the computer more than most and I feel the need to interact with people. Ordinarily I have been a very shy person, until I started my facebook page that is!  I created 'Midlife Crisis Awakening' https://www.facebook.com/LoVeMiDliFe? because I was not in a very happy place in my life.  Do I believe it was a midlife crisis, no.  I believe I had an awakening of sorts. I was in an unhappy place and used my page as my outlet.  I have never really opened up to my husband or my friends about how I felt.  I was able to do that through my page as an anonymous person, and I liked that.  Not being judged for saying, thinking, or doing things I would normally not in 'real' life.  I have always been the one who wanted to help others and unable to ask for help for myself.  I have learned a lot about myself and others in this process.  I have discovered that I AM the person you see on my page, and I kind of like her!  I believe this is the person I have always been, just afraid to let that side be seen for what ever reason.  I am still working on that part! I guess you could say, that now that I have reached the 'midpoint' in my life, I am awakening to a whole new thought process.  I couldn't say this four months ago, but it will be a journey I look forward to continuing to discover with my husband for the rest of my life.